When You Aren't Allowed to "Just Quit" (**Reality alert**)

It's been awhile since I posted.  I created this blog to share those funny crazy kid things that go on, but sometimes there is just no funny crazy kid thing happening.

It's been frustrating.  I have a child that can go from "I love you, you're the best Mommy in the world" to "I am going to cut off your head" in a matter of seconds.  A child that is consistently defiant, who yells, screams, swears, cries, whines, lies, steals, is violent, and pee's/poops on the floor simply because she isn't getting her own way.  No punishment/discipline works.  She doesn't care if she gets in trouble.  She knows, "If I lie, I have to write 10 times, 'I will not lie'" but she doesn't connect that she is having to write that BECAUSE she lied! I get daily phone calls from the school, she is removed from the classroom on a daily basis because of her behavior, at times they have had to evacuate the classroom because she is so unsafe and the other children are at risk.  I frequently have to leave work to go and pick her up because her behaviors are such that she can't stay at school, or can't safely ride the bus home. She eats with her fingers, she picks at all her scabs and causes herself to bleed on a daily basis, she refuses to wipe her bottom on the occasion when she DOES use the toilet, she refuses to wash her hands.  She can't be alone for a second. She destroys her own things and everyone else's things for absolutely no clear reason other then, "I felt like it".  She teases the dogs and then hits them if they nip at her. 

If this was any other job, I could just quit.  I could say, "I've had enough, I'm done, I'm not doing this anymore".  But as a parent...you aren't allowed to "just quit".  I will be this child's parent for the rest of my life.  Yet, I'm frustrated and exhausted because I only see it getting worse and I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know how to help her.  I don't understand why she is so angry. 

I'm doing everything I know to do, medication, counseling, doctors, more counseling, positive reinforcement for good behaviors...with Savanna...it doesn't work.  I could quit my job and spend 24 hours cuddling with her, reading to her, playing with her...and it wouldn't be enough.

She was a Ladybug in a school play the other night.  I couldn't even enjoy it because I was so concerned about her behavior.  She had numerous teachers, counselors, and the Principal standing next to her and as soon as she said her line, they ushered her off the stage and had us take her home. 

SHE can't be happy living like this.  The rest of us certainly aren't.  I just want to quit.  I want to be able to say, "I can't do this anymore".  But I can't quit.  She will always be my child, and I love her to pieces, but I really don't like her at all.  I don't want to be around her, I don't want to spend time with her, I don't want people to know she's my kid...and that is WRONG.  I KNOW it's wrong, and I HATE that I feel that way.  I know this makes me a terrible parent...a terrible person.

I'm always angry and frustrated with her and I don't want to feel this way.  I don't WANT to have every cabinet and the fridge and closets under lock and key, but I have no choice! But I want the choice...I really just want to quit.  I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm drained...and I don't want to "play" this anymore.