Children are Frustrating!!!

I constantly hear from people, "Children don't want to misbehave, it's not like they lie in bed at night and think of ways to make you mad".  These people obviously don't know my children!  MY children do INDEED lay in bed at night thinking of what evil they can do the following day.  I'm sure they are thinking, "What can I do to make mom mad?" 

Bubba's evil got him grounded from the computer.  So he is meandering around the house allllll depressed today, hoping I will get sick of it and tell him he can get on the computer.  I learned that trick.  However, being a literal child, he came to me this morning and states, "Dad didn't say I couldn't play my video games, just that I couldn't get on the computer." 

Me: glare
Bubba: "What?"
Me: "You KNOW what"
Bubba: "No, I don't" (innocently)
Me: "Yes, you do"
Bubba: "No, I don't"
Me: "Yes, you do"
Bubba: "No, I don't."

This could have gone on for hours.....but didn't. 

Me: "YOU are in TROUBLE...BIG TIME TROUBLE!"
Bubba: "Does it help that I feel bad about what I did?"
Me: "NO! You are grounded from ALL systems, computer, video games, everything!"
Bubba: "But I'm bored...and sorry"
Me: "No, your bored and sorry you got caught.  If your bored, go read a book, you got two new ones for Christmas"
Bubba: "But I have to finish my library book"
Me: "Then go DO that"
Bubba: "But I don't feel like reading"
Me: "Then go get your shower"
Bubba: "But I want to get my shower later, or tomorrow, cuz I don't have school til Thursday"
Me: "But you stink now"
Bubba: "I will put deodorant on and I'm still bored"
Me: "Then do your chores"
Bubba: "I already did my chores"
Me: "I can give you more to do, windows need washed, vacuuming needs done, dishes need done, laundry needs done...I can go on"
Bubba: "I think I'll go read my library book"

Couldn't we have just skipped all the in between and gone straight to reading the library book???

In the meantime, Banana is at Grandma's for a portion of the week (YAY!).  I get a call from her

Banana: "I'm getting a cold, I want to come home"
Me: "You want to come home already? You've only been there one day"
Banana: "I want to come home now"
Me: "Ok, I will come get you in a little bit"

I drive ALL the way across town and pick her up from Grandma's.  We get home and my terribly ill child starts jumping all over the place being NOT ill.

Banana: "I feel better now, can I go back to Grammies"
Me: "No, you were too sick to stay so you have to be home now.  Go to your room and rest"
Banana: "But I feel better, and you said when I felt better I could go back to Grammies"
Me: "I said when you feel better in a few DAYS you can go back to Grammies"
Banana: "But I feel better NOW"
Me: "But I am not driving you ALL the way back to Grammies just for you to decide you want to come home again, so you can wait a few days and then go back"
Banana: "I asked you at Grammies if I could come back when I feel better and you did this (nods her head and hums "mmhmmm")"
Me: "I was listening to Grammie, I wasn't really paying attention to you"
Banana: "BUT...
Daddy interrupts: "I'LL taking her back, it was quiet when she was gone!"
Me: *SIGH*

Rabbit comes to mind......

Fur Children

I have four fur children.  I love them all equally, even when they are misbehaving.

Java is the oldest, a Chihuahua, though, oddly, a rather quiet one, who is going blind and deaf...but not dumb.  She is a diva.  She has the attitude of a cat in a dogs body.  Java is convinced that she must be carried everywhere, held constantly and sleep under blankets.  She also must go on every car ride EVER.

Reno is the next in line...he is a mutt, boxer mixed with Jack Russell and Chihuahua.  It makes for an interesting combination.  He is a Mama's boy.  Where ever I go, he must follow.  He must be able to see me at all times...even now, as I sit here on the computer he is on the couch 20 feet away...staring at me. He also believes he has to sleep under the covers of my bed, pressed against me. Reno thinks Java is his girlfriend, she does not agree.

Daisy comes next.  Daisy is part Jack Russell but mostly Dachshund, which means we spend the day listening to her talk and putting her ears the "right way".  She jumps very high, and sits on things  she doesn't mean to because she forgets how long she is.

Reno and Daisy are also both part Jack Rabbit.

Gabby comes last, she is a cat but believes she is a half dog and half human.  She drinks out of the toilet.  It's weird.

Getting two legged children ready to go outside and play in the winter is hard.  Getting 3 four legged children ready to go out in the winter is harder.  Especially on a single digit temperature day.

I start with Reno.  He loves to put his coat on and so happily runs to me when I get it out.  However, he is SO excited that he wiggles through the whole thing making it difficult to get on him.  He also does not like having his feet touched, so I get nibbled on the fingers while putting his coat on...of course then he feels guilty for nibbling me and between nibbles licks me.  By the time I am done, he is warm in his coat and my fingers are all slimy.

Java is next because while she isn't necessarily excited about getting dressed, she IS cooperative.  I put on her coat making sure her ears are covered and then I put her booties on her feet.  When I put her down she sits and glares at me.

Daisy is last.  Daisy has been freaked out by watching this process so I have to go find her.  She is under my bed...in the middle...and it takes me a while to drag her out.  Meanwhile, Reno is whining and scratching at the door to go out.  I tell him he has to wait a minute.  Daisy goes completely rigid and stiff while I try to put her coat on her.  It takes me a while as she feels like she has died and gotten stiff, but eventually I get it.

I'm sweating.  I head over to the door, dragging a stiff Daisy behind me.  Reno is bouncing, yipping and dancing.  Java is glaring and her booties are sitting on the floor beside her.  I pick her up.  I pick her booties up. 

Me: "You must wear your booties, its freezing outside"
Java: "No"
Me: "Put your foot IN the bootie and quit arguing with me!"
Java: "No"
Me: "If you don't have your booties on your feet will get cold and I'm NOT coming out there to get you!!! PUT YOUR BOOTIES ON!!!!!"
Java: "NO! And if you try to put them on me ONE MORE TIME I will glare at you and bite you!"

Exasperated I give up on her booties and let them all out.  Reno and Daisy go FLYING out the door running and yelling..."WOOHOO!! YIPPEEE!!!! LETS PLAY!!!!"
Java takes a small step outside and looks at me glaring.
Me: "I told you to put your booties on, now get out there and go potty!"
Java: "It's cold"
Me: "I know its cold but if you go quick you can get back in the house quick and warm up under the blanket"
Java: *SIGH* "Fine!"

After a few minutes Daisy and Reno have finished doing what they needed to and come running back to the door.  I let them in and look for Java.  Java is across the yard taking turns with her feet.  First the front left paw comes up and stands in the air a bit.  Then the right back foot. 

Me: "Come on Java"
Java: "COME GET ME IT'S COOOOLLLLDDD!!!"
Me: "I TOLD you I was NOT coming to get you! Now run across the yard and get in the house"
Java: "I CAN'T MY FEET ARE FROOOOOOZZZZEEENNN!!!"
Me: "Your fine, you only have to walk 10 feet, now come on."
Java: "HELLLP MEEEE"

Me....muttering...walks across the lawn in my slippers and picks her up.

Java: "SUCKER!!"

Children keep life interesting

I have a mirror on my dresser.  That may not come as a surprise since many people have mirrors.  However, my mirror is not attached to anything.  It's just a large, heavy mirror that sits on the dresser.  Inside the top drawer of my dresser are my undergarments...THAT bit of information is ONLY relevant in the fact that it is also where I hide things I don't want the children to get...after all, who wants to see Mommy's underpants!

One of the things I hide in that drawer is nail polish.  If I don't hide the nail polish it becomes paint to a certain six year old little girl.  I don't like cleaning that kind of "paint" off walls, sheets, my clothes, the bathroom sink, the carpet....well, you get it.

Having said this however, it should be noted that while Banana is special...she is NOT stupid! 

The other night while I was cooking dinner:

Banana: "I want paint my finger nails"
Me: "Let me finish cooking dinner and we will paint your nails"
Banana: "Ok"

30 seconds later:
Banana: "Dinner done?"
Me: "Not yet, but it will be done soon and as soon as we are done eating I will paint your fingernails"
Banana: "OK"

15 seconds later
Banana: "The thing beeped.  Dinner is done"
Me: "That was the beep to tell me the oven is heated up, now I can put the food in"
Banana: "OK"

I put the chicken in the oven and walked into my bedroom just in time to hear a very LOUD crash followed by an even LOUDER scream.

There in front of me, was Banana, with a very heavy mirror, ON her head and in the process of sliding to the floor...which it did...LOUDLY.  I noticed the wood frame on the mirror was broken and immediately checked Banana's head for glass.  The glass was not broken.

Now, at this point my heart is racing because I am SURE I am going to find huge pieces of glasses sticking out of Banana's bloody head!! I'm in a bit of a panic.  Once I see that there in fact IS no real damage to Banana's hard little head, I do what ALL wonderful mom's do.  I totally freak out on her.

Me: "WHAT WERE YOU DOING???? IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN!!! I TOLD YOU WE WOULD PAINT YOUR NAILS AFTER I FINISHED WITH DINNER!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN?? NOW YOU BROKE MY MIRROR AND I HAVE TO THROW IT AWAY AND IFYOUR HADJUSTLISTENTOMEBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH...(breath) YADAYADAYADAYADABLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHWAHAHAHAHAWHY DID YOU DO THAT???"

Banana: "Cuz I love you and wanted to help you get weddy to do my fingernails.  I'M SOWWY MOMMY!!!! (waillllllll)

Me internally...guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, GUILT!!

I wish I was the offspring of a rabbit.

Children are a Gift from God

I woke up to the sound of fighting children this morning...BEFORE the alarm went off.  Why children can't learn to stay in bed until Mommy's alarm goes off I don't understand.  Especially since the first thing I hear when I come out of my room is, "I'm exhausted, can I stay home?" 

The point of me sitting down to breakfast with the children initially was so I could help to prepare them for the day.  "What will you do today?" "How will you behave today?" "What will happen if you do not behave today?" etc.   That point has become moot.

Instead, I end up with conversations such as todays.
Me: "You two need to find someway to co-exist in this house!"
Banana:" What is cope desist?"
Me:"Huh?"
Banana: "What is cope desist?"
Bubba:"It's CO-EXIST, Mom means we have to get along".
Me internally...OOOOOHHHHH co-exist not cope desist bahahaha!
Banana: "I don't wanna get awong"
Me: "Why not?"
Banana: "Bubba is a pain and I don't yike him.  Can I have a new brubba?"
Bubba: "Well thanks, YOU'RE a BIGGER pain."
Me: "Ok you are BOTH pains...now lets move on...and no we are not getting you a new brother Banana!"

I go on to explain they children are a gift from God to both parents AND siblings and they should treat each other as such.

Banana: "What's a such?"
Bubba: "She means you have to treat me like I am a present to you and be nice to me"
Me: "Umm, and YOU have to treat HER like she is a present to YOU and be nice to HER too!"
Bubba:" Do you think it's too late to get a refund?"

*sigh* I wish I was a rabbit.

Children are Amazing

I'm sitting here listening to Banana in the bathtub.  She can't remember the words to any songs...ANY songs.  Yet, she is in there, singing at the TOP of her lungs and staying on key...or at least it would appear she is, I'd probably be able to tell if I had any clue what song she was trying to sing.

Banana loves baths.  I have a hard time keeping her OUT of the tub...and once she is in there it's a knock down drag out to get her back OUT of the tub.  After her bath she is no longer a banana, she is a prune.

Bubba, who desperately wants a girlfriend despite the fact that I constantly tell him girls are nothing but trouble (I know...I am one) can't seem to get IN the shower without a knock down drag out.  However, once he IS in there he is in there FOREVER.  Oddly, at 14, he apparently has forgotten how to wash.  I'm not sure what he is doing in the shower for an hour...and I probably don't want to know.  However, when he gets out I "smell" him to see if he is clean.  A typical after shower conversation sounds something like this:

Me:"Did you wash your hair?"
Bubba <eye roll> "Yes."
Me: "With what?" (I don't smell the minty shampoo).
Bubba:"Water"
Me:"You didn't use shampoo?"
Bubba: "I forgot"

Me:"Did you wash your body?"
Bubba <eye roll>: "Yes!"
Me: "Did you wash your body in the shower?"
Bubba <bigger eye roll> "MOM! YES!!"
Me: "All of your body?"
Bubba "GEEZ MOM!!! YES"
Me:"With what?"
Bubba: "That loafa sponge thingy" (He means a loofa)
Me:"What was on the loofa sponge thingy?"
Bubba:"Water"
Me: "You didn't use soap?"
Bubba:"I forgot"
Me <BIGGEST EYE ROLL.....E  V   E   R> "GET BACK IN THE SHOWER AND GET CLEAN...AND USE SOAP ON YOUR BODY AND SHAMPOO IN YOUR HAIR!!!!" 

*sigh* I wish I was a rabbit.

Children are Gross



For starters, I slept wrong last night and my neck and shoulder are very sore.  I wish my mother was a rabbit.  Actually, I'm glad she wasn't.  I would have missed out on a lot of things....

Secondly, if you haven't heard yet...Children are gross.  If you do not have your share of "disgusting" in your life and are looking for more, I suggest you get a child...or two.  Gender doesn't matter, age might...but not in my house.

After 20 minutes of yelling through the door, "BUBBA, ARE YOU UP YET?"  I finally got my key and went into his room.  (Yes, he has a lock on his door, since he is a 14 year old hormonal boy with a 6 year old nosy sister) to assist him with getting out of bed.  As I entered him room, I found that he was, indeed, already awake...with his finger shoved WAY up his nose apparently attempting to tickle his brain. 

This, of course, led to an interesting breakfast table conversation.  While the two children sat and ate their cereal and milk (I had lost my appetite, oddly), we discussed brain tickling.  We started first with "THAT'S DISGUSTING!"  followed by the socially unacceptable aspect of brain tickling.  "Bubba, do you know why the other kids might try to avoid you?"  I know for a fact that several of his teachers have also sat down with Bubba to discuss the social impact of tickling your brain during class...however, I had never actually seen him do it.

Ten minutes into the conversation, Banana starts giggling.  I ignore her, as I assume she is just another gross little kid who finds the conversation funny.  However, after several minutes of her hysterical laughter which culminated with her falling out of her chair and onto the floor while she still laughed, I was unable to ignore it any longer.  "WHAT is so funny? You should be listening to this conversation as you also frequently have been caught trying to tickle your brain!" 

She immediately stops laughing, and in her most serious voice, with her most serious face states,
"I flicked a booger on you."  Sure enough, there on the side of my face is a Banana booger. 

Bubba, apparently, found this hysterical and decided it was his turn to laugh, with a mouth full of cheerios and milk.  Said half chewed food then proceeded to come out his mouth and nose all over the kitchen table, causing both of my disgusting children to laugh hysterically.  The dogs felt they must be missing something and arrived quickly to clean up the mess as I ran off to the bathroom to scrub my face with whatever abrasive cleaner I could find.

As I sit typing, the children are off to school, my face is squeaky clean, and my table is sparkling again....but still, I wish I was a rabbit.

I wish I was a rabbit

A friend of mine suggested I start a blog.  Apparently the conversations I overhear between my two children, or that I have with my children should be "shared".

I have four children.  Two have grown and left home....two remain.  The remaining children are a 14 yr. old boy I call Bubba and a 6 yr. old girl I call Banana.  While I love them both very much, there is rarely a day that goes by that doesn't consist of the thought of "I wish I had been a rabbit".  Why a rabbit you ask? Well, because rabbits eat their young, of course.

For example, after dinner we read a bible story before bed.  Last nights story was about Noah's Ark, since this is my daughters favorite.  After finishing the story, my son says, "I believe God has a sense of humor."  I agree with him.  However, over the past 14 yrs. you would think I would have learned not to ask, "Why?".  So, thinking he is going to talk about the size of the ark, or building the ark during a drought...I open my mouth and predictably ask, "Why?"  To my surprise (though, nothing these kids say should surprise me anymore), he responds "Because He created farts."  His father snickers and says, "he has a point", while I'm left wishing I had been a rabbit.

There are times I am glad I was not a rabbit.  These times usually fall when I am overhearing a conversation as opposed to being a part of the conversation.  This mornings conversation between the two children was one of those times when I enjoyed the fact that I could sit back and just laugh (hysterically mind you) at the conversation in the other room.

Bubba: "UGH! This bathroom STINKS!"
Banana: "I pooped!"
Bubba: "Well come spray the rose stuff".
Banana sprays the bathroom, "There it smells like roses now"
Bubba: "Yeah, roses with poop on them".
Banana: "Well YOUR poop doesn't smell good either"
Bubba: "It doesn't smell THAT bad"
Banana: "Yeah, cuz you poop roses out your butt"

Then they were off on the school bus, and I am home, waiting and wondering what will happen next.  I'm sure, no matter what it is, I will be left either wishing I had been a rabbit or glad that I am not.